Last October Oprah Winfrey did a show about children and divorce which I discussed here on our blog. After that show Oprah received thousands of e-mails from adults who still feel the pain of their parents’ divorce.
Divorce expert M. Gary Neuman appeared on the show and gave his 5 rules adult children of divorce can follow to have a successful conversation with their parents about their lingering feelings from childhood:
- SET YOUR INTENTION. Before your meeting with your parents be clear about what goal and what you hope to achieve with this conversation. Dr. Neuman stresses this is not a time to vent.
- DEFINE THE RULES FOR YOUR PARENTS. Before you begin, Dr. Neuman recommends telling your parents what you want from them. Explain to them this is not about blame but about your need to have them understand you.
- DON’T ATTACK. Keep the conversation focused and constructive.
- BE SPECIFIC. Dr. Neuman says to do this without ascribing blame. Give specific examples of when your parent hurt you. Oftentimes, says Dr. Neuman, parents don’t even know you heard or saw something.
- RESOLVE FOR THE FUTURE. Figure out how you, as a family, can continue the dialogue you have started. Encourage your parents to be protective of you, their child, even though you are an adult.
And, what can you as a parent do while you’re going through the divorce to lessen the pain your children will carry through their adulthood? First, don’t rely on your children for emotional support no matter what age they are. Get professional help. Your children are not there to help you through these issues. And, when you use the children for emotional support it can have long lasting emotional consequences for them. Second, don’t say negative things to the children about the other parent. This, too, causes emotional stress on children regardless of their age.
Dr. Neuman offers the following suggestions for talking about divorce with children:
- Don’t ask the kids to choose sides.
- Don’t say bad things about your ex.
- Talk to your child about his or her feelings.
- Open the lines of communication.
- Act like a parent. And, this something I felt was very significant. Let your kids know that you and your ex will make the decisions about how much time they spend with each of you. It’s not something they need to worry about.
- It’s not worth it. The fighting and the name calling are not worth the pain you’re putting your children through.
- Admit your mistakes.
It’s even more difficult for you to have a constructive conversation with your children if you and your soon to be ex spouse are attacking each other in court. Most issues don’t have to be decided in court. You can negotiate your divorce with a good professional team. Consider mediation, a collaborative divorce or a negotiated divorce. There are many casualties to a litigated divorce and the largest casualties are the children. Dr. Neuman’s book, “Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce“, can be purchased at Amazon.com.